Militant Penguins To Media: More Attacks Coming
Undated photo of penguins with bayonets
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE NEWT GINGRICH escaped a militant penguin attack on Friday, but a new communique from the group behind that attempt claims it was just the first incident in what will be a massive wave of penguin violence.
“O HAIRLESS ONES! WITH YOUR METAL BIRDS AND FIRE BEARS, YOU HAVE PUSHED US AND PUSHED US!” reads the message, which is entirely capitalized. “NOW WE PLAN TO TAKE THE FIGHT TO YOU!”
Over the last century, penguin insurgents have launched several sporadic attacks against humans. Their demands have never been made clear, beyond standard neo-Marxist rhetoric and a vague fear and loathing of motor vehicles.
Authorities in the US are confident that any armed penguin resistance can be neutralized with shipments of fish.